In The Beginning, I explained how I found myself in a predicament that commenced this journey to learn how to love myself. The week of “the concert” has now arrived, and thus, my anxiety level is through the roof!
Here’s a brief recap if you missed it:
Soon to be divorced, painfully single woman (me), convinces her best friend to get 4 tickets to see Garth Brooks and promises to find a suitable date. Single woman pursues online dating to find said date and fails (miserably). Now desperate, single woman contacts previous boyfriend, with whom she is still in love, and secures suitable date. Enter anxiety cat …
It’s going to be an amazing weekend! The date and I will be driving 5 hours to another state together and then spend 3 days with my best friend (hereafter referred to as “Owl”) and her husband. I splurged and hired a limo to take us to dinner and then to the concert. I’m 35 and have never ridden in a limo, so I guess I’ll get to mark that one off the bucket list!
So, what’s the problem? The initial problem is obvious: whatever will I wear?!?! No really, I’ve gained about 15 pounds right around the middle. Nothing fits! Nothing looks good! But after a week of researching and shopping, Owl and I have each found the appropriate amounts Spanx and outfits that hide our more obvious flaws. I’ve managed to plan an outfit that says “fun, but not too skanky.” I’m still planning to do a little shopping, but just for a few accessories. New earrings are a must!
And then there is that BIG QUESTION, “What does this mean for my relationship with the date?” As this weekend has drawn closer, he and I have communicated more and more. I keep telling myself that I’m not ready for a relationship! I’ve really been working on learning to love myself so that I’m not so desperate to be loved by someone else. I’m not ready for him to come back into my life. I still have a mess to clean up. And yet, I long for him. AHHHH!
So last night, as my anxiety level hit a fever pitch, I gave it up. No really, I gave it to God. I gave him all control and decided to quit trying to force something either way. Yes, I put myself into this mess, but His grace is sufficient. I asked Him to take control of the situation and let His will be done. Then, I prayed for the date. I asked God to guide his actions as well as mine.
Last Sunday our Pastor preached about how God cares for his sheep and gives us rest. He referenced this verse from 2 Timothy, and I felt led to write it down. All of my anxiety is rooted in fear. Mostly it’s a fear of what I cannot control. I made the decision last night to put away my fear and let God fill me with power, love, and self-control.
As you read this blog I hope that you can see the change in tone. This lonely, desperate, single woman is becoming something new. I’m not there yet, but the changes are coming. One small point … I can’t do it without God. If you are searching for peace in your life, look up.