The Beginning

I’m quite sure that I am not the only lonely, single woman who has begun a blog on New Year’s Day.  Well, technically it is now January 2nd … it has been a long day.  My goal in this endeavor is to find love.  I’m sure that isn’t unique either, however, the love I seek is not that of another human being.  I simply must learn to love myself.

The particulars of my situation are quite common to my age group.  I’m 35, separated, and awaiting a divorce.  I’ve been living away from my ex for nearly a year.  Over the course of that year there have been many days when I thought I had achieved some kind of happiness.  I love being able to spend time with my 8-year old son.  I love shopping and hanging out with my family.  I love having money in the bank.  I love the security of knowing that I can handle life on my own.  But … there is this man

We men online after about 6 months of separation from my ex.  We attempted a relationship for about 3 months.  We were both tired and exasperated.  Long distance was a good excuse to end it, but I knew that he simply didn’t feel the way I did.

I simply cannot get over him.  I’ve tried.  He absolutely broke my heart.  I spent months avoiding the thought of him.  Every now and then we would text.  He sent birthday wishes and such.  I’d send him a funny picture from Pinterest.  Every time my phone lit up with his picture, I’d gasp.  It’s fairly ridiculous.

Then I made a huge mistake.  I invited myself along to a concert with my best friend and her husband.  When it was mentioned I was so excited to see the performer that I really didn’t care that I was butting in.  She insisted that I wasn’t but just asked that I find a suitable date for the evening.  Easy.  I’m a bright, intelligent, woman who most men seem to find attractive.  Surely I could find a decent man to accompany me 6 hours away for a weekend.  All they would need to do is buy me dinner.  I’d take care of the rest.

So I got back online.  10 dates later I was sure that the world was full of single men and that not a single one of them could pass a basic background check or write a complete sentence.  There were a couple that I chatted with for a while.  The lawyer seemed like a nice guy and the former teacher turned heavy equipment operator could at least hold a conversation.  But the moment that “he” offered to make a spur of the moment trip down to visit, they were forgotten.

So, I invited “him.”  It seemed logical at the time.  We get along great and my best friend would like him.  I’m pretty sure that her husband will get along with him as well.  To my amazement, he agreed.  And that is where the ship turned South.  I’m quite sure that anyone who knows me has noticed that I am absolutely desperately in love with this man who none of them have ever met.  I’m sure that you can remember someone from junior high that was insanely in love with the high school quarterback.  Well, I’m 35, and that’s me.  I’ve never had this happen before.

So, I sit on the couch.  I bathe a couple of times a week.  Work is next to impossible to complete.  I haven’t shaved my legs in over a month.  I’m eating absolute crap.  I had pecan pie for dinner.  I drink about 15 cups of coffee a day.  And then there are the naps.  If are between the ages of 3 and 80, you should not be taking more than 1 nap per day!  If he happens to text me, the whole world becomes brighter.  But then it fades until the next one and that could be days or weeks!

Keep in mind that I am blessed to be surrounded by a multitude of friends and family who support me, kick my butt, and cry with me when I need it.  None of them has been willing to say the word until today.  My best friend finally said it.  DESPERATE.

The realization that I was emotionally dependent on “him” for my happiness blew me away.  My best friend has long suggested that I need to find a way to be happy with me before I could ever be happy in a relationship with someone else.  Today we got to a new level.  Here’s the rub: I don’t love myself.  Therefore, I am constantly searching for validation from everyone around me.  The purpose of this blog will be to find a way to love myself … regardless of the actions of anyone else.

More to come …


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